Understanding Wellbeing Shaming At Work
“It must be nice to stop working at 4:30 every day.”
“Enjoy your lunch break? I wish I had time for the full hour.”
“I always respond to your emails even if I don’t get to them until after hours. Why don’t you do that?”
Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels
Have you ever been taken aback by any of these comments? They seem absurd now but were pretty hurtful at the time.
If so, then you know the pain of wellbeing shaming — and how harmful this behavior can be. And, it’s even more destructive (and completely outdated) as 2022 shapes up to be a continuation of 2021.
This behavior — from anyone at work — is not ok.
If you understand what wellbeing shaming is, then you can address the behavior if you do encounter it. And this will lead to constructive and honest mental health conversations at work.
WHAT IS WELLBEING SHAMING AT WORK?
Before we look at wellbeing shaming at work, let’s start with understanding shame itself.
Usually, when someone feels shame, they feel like a bad person and might think: “what’s wrong with me?” or “how could I do that?”¹ In those moments, it’s easy to feel inferior, defective, or lacking — and turn those questioning thoughts inward.
If left unchecked, you can go down the never-ending rabbit hole of self-shaming. This is harmful and doesn’t lead to any constructive outcomes.
When shame becomes a constant in your life, it changes how you see yourself and:
Isolates you from others.
Causes emotional distress.
Leads to mental disorders.
Affects your relationships.
Causes harmful behaviors.²
Wellbeing shaming, a term of my own creation from witnessing the phenomenon repeatedly, is a tad more specific. I define it as:
“... the act of colleagues making fun — passive-aggressively, or directly — of other colleagues for taking steps to maintain their mental health through work/life balance.”³
Simply put, it focuses on anything related to your mental health. This includes comments about your choice to prioritize your self-care practices, set boundaries, or take time off.
THE WHY AND HOW OF WELLBEING SHAMING
When it comes to talking about mental health or mental illness at work, shame can be a powerful influencer. But why do your coworkers make these comments, especially about your mental health?
There are many reasons why wellbeing shaming occurs. Your colleagues or boss may want to:
Maintain the company’s status quo.
One-up you (or put you down).
Fit in, so they mimic the behavior of others.
Have a work/life balance and feel jealous of your success.
Always “win” at work and put pressure on others to do the same.
But what does this look like? Wellbeing shaming comments can manifest in many ways. A colleague or your boss might comment on:
How you use all your PTO.
How you’re always “disconnected from work” because you don’t sync your emails on your phone or reply to messages after hours.
How you’re not working hard enough because you maintain a balanced schedule.
Keep in mind, you can hear these types of comments anywhere, at any time. Someone who engages in wellbeing shaming a lot isn’t afraid to make you feel bad in front of others.
The comments might be obvious or come as a sneak attack. Or you might hear them during a one-on-one conversation, a team meeting, or a client presentation. Wellbeing shaming knows no boundaries.
A DESTRUCTIVE ROADBLOCK + COVID
Now that you know the what, why, and how of wellbeing shaming, it’s important to understand its destructive nature — it has no place in the World of Work and we must actively stop it.
Shaming, in general, is always a roadblock in mental health conversations. If you feel ashamed for trying to talk about mental health, you may start to question if it’s even safe to talk about it, fearing social judgment.
With wellbeing shaming, it goes a step further. People target your mental health awareness and coping behaviors, specifically.
So a sensitive, delicate subject becomes even more sensitive for you. You’ll feel more reluctant to talk about mental health if you’re already feeling ashamed or uncomfortable about your beliefs on the topic.
This is all intensified due to COVID. If we don’t manage our mental health, we’ll crack into a million pieces under the weight of the global pandemic.
“In a highly competitive job market and uncertain economy, it’s understandable that many people are nervous to create a reasonable work/life integration that would go against a constant connection to work… A lot of people still fear that discussing [mental health] at work comes with very real consequences.”³
So wellbeing shaming can be a powerful and destructive force. If a company culture fosters this behavior, it can put a stop to any attempt to have mental health conversations.
CONVERSATION TIPS
So what do you do if you’re on the receiving end of wellbeing shaming comments?
When someone uses wellbeing shaming in a conversation, it can be hard to know what to say or how to react. You might:
Feel uncomfortable
Get defensive
Lash out
Try to ignore it
Freeze in place
These are all normal reactions — and it’s ok to be nervous about addressing someone’s comments. Especially if they’re wrongfully calling your productivity and work schedule into question.
When you do address a wellbeing shaming comment, the goal is to open a dialogue about mental health with the other person. You should be honest about how you feel and let your colleague know that their behavior is not ok.
Be calm, matter-of-fact, and aim to educate — not berate the other person. This can be a very effective method because people often don’t know what to do when they receive this type of response.
Here’s a small script you can follow:
Explain your feelings.
State your beliefs on the topic.
Try to understand their point of view.
These core elements will help facilitate a better conversation. You can discuss how you feel while trying to discover the reason the comment was said in the first place.
Here are example responses based on the first three statements in this article:
Comment: “It must be nice to stop work at 4:30 every day.”
Response: “I like to keep a routine so I’m more productive during work hours. I think it’s healthy to stick to a schedule. Do you have concerns about my work effort?”
Comment: “Enjoy your lunch break? I wish I had time for the full hour.”
Response: “I’m stressed and it’s a healthy adult practice taking time to recharge. Help me understand why you don’t think that’s ok.”
Comment: “I always respond to your emails even if I don’t get to them until after hours. Why don’t you do that?”
Response: “I understand that you choose to work after hours, but that doesn’t work for me and doesn’t mean that I have to. I feel healthier, more productive, and more balanced when I’m not connected to work 24/7. I’m not ashamed to unplug from the office. Why don’t you think you can?”
I know it can be scary and nerve-wracking to say something like the statements above. But remember the goal: to have constructive and realistic conversations around mental health at work.
As you talk to the other person, keep these other conversation tips in mind:
Normalize your feelings, and theirs too
Actively listen to what the other person says
Don’t judge what the other person says
If you can, I encourage you to speak up. Say something to your colleague and try to address wellbeing shaming as it happens.
WELLBEING SHAMING IS NOT OK
People encounter wellbeing shaming all the time, but don't always recognize it — or know what to call it. It’s a powerful, destructive force that can cause a lot of harm.
So it’s important to know what wellbeing shaming looks like, how it manifests, and why people use it. Then, you can identify these comments and practice addressing them in the moment.
I encourage you to develop this undervalued skill: recognizing — and addressing — wellbeing shaming. The more you do, the more you’ll inspire others to do the same.
Ready for your company to learn about wellbeing shaming from an expert? Reach out to Melissa to set up a fireside interview.
Want to read more about wellbeing shaming? Check out Melissa’s new book.
Sources:
Grande, Diane. “3 Dangers of Shaming.” Psychology Today, 25 Mar. 2021, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/in-it-together/202103/3-dangers-shaming.
Person. “Toxic Shame: What It Is and How to Cope.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 23 Sept. 2020, https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame#causes.
Doman, Melissa. Yes, You Can Talk about Mental Health at Work: Here's Why ... and How to Do It Really Well. Welbeck Publishing Group, 2021.
