Could Your “Baggage" Be Affecting Your Relationships at Work?
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“Why are you saying that? I have no idea what you’re even talking about - I didn’t do that.”
“Is there a reason you don’t trust me?”
“Why are you raising your voice about this? That’s completely inappropriate…”
Can’t we all just get along, even at work? That would be really nice, but, sometimes we can’t.
It doesn’t matter how old we are or where we come from; our past experiences travel with us and form part of our emotional baggage that we carry every day, and everywhere.
As someone who was literally an employee assistance program counselor (EAP), you’ve heard it straight from the horse’s mouth that I've seen how emotional baggage from the past weighs people down in the now, especially at work.
Let's look at where this baggage can come from and how (and when) it can impact us.
TRAUMA MATTERS
To understand our emotional baggage, we first need to examine trauma.
WHAT IS TRAUMA?
In simple terms, trauma is a psychological state resulting from witnessing a highly stressful event that causes you to feel unpredictable emotions, anxiety, and potentially physical symptoms and difficulty in relationships.
WHERE DOES TRAUMA COME FROM?
People experience the impact of trauma in different ways, and sometimes it sticks on some folks more than others. What happened, when it happened, and how it happened can determine how much (and how long) it can stay with us.
There are many common types of trauma that we encounter in our personal lives when it comes to family, experiences we’ve encountered, or relationships. In relation to this specific topic, you bet your butt that previous work experiences can also cause pretty serious trauma. Many of us have faced this at some point, even yours truly.
In my time working with an EAP, I saw too many kind, decent, and talented people who were unaware that their previous personal experiences, toxic work environments, and negative work relationships, were severely impacting their current workplace interpersonal relationships.
Each time they got “zapped”, it hurt too much and too quickly for them to have a moment to pause and understand where it came from - because in that moment - emotional survival was all that mattered. Workplace-induced trauma is a real thing.
I'm not sure how people are supposed to just “carry on” as if nothing ever happened. These experiences matter, and knowing why they affect us now, matters.
SOME SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CARRYING YOUR BAGGAGE INTO WORK
Okay, so how do you know if your past trauma is knocking at your door at work?
WHAT IT COULD LOOK LIKE
Here’s a scene.
Someone is a new hire who seemed very promising in the interview. As this person gets settled into the role and team, they start to seem resentful of any feedback from their manager and immediately go on the defensive, no matter how constructively and kindly the manager delivers that feedback.
Team members try to engage in collaborative project work with this person. They’re greeted with a sense of possessiveness and distrust when the person accuses them of not having trust in them for their portion of the project. The new hire may be caught up in their past. What the team and manager don’t know is that this person was micromanaged by their previous boss for years. A boss who had no trust, who only pointed out flaws and nothing else, and took projects away without context or explanation. See where I’m going with this?
The thing is, constructive feedback is necessary for development. This person’s baggage is stopping them from performing better at their new job and growing as a professional. Their anxiety and self-doubt, which may have sprouted from their previous gig, made all of the feedback and attempted teamwork feel like an attack on them.
This person has the opposite of rose-colored glasses – they’re viewing their work through some trauma shades!
What would I say to this person?
It sounds like your previous work baggage might be holding you back from experiencing the now and these new team members right in front of you, who are completely different people. Is that fair to them, or you?
YOU FREQUENTLY FEEL “OFF” AT WORK AND DON’T KNOW WHY
Any of these bad boys look familiar?
Constant anxiety, self-doubt, or negativity
Uncontrolled emotional state
Inability or difficulty performing duties
Unexpected anger
These feelings aren’t just going to go away by themselves. They need to be acknowledged and they need you to be personally accountable for dealing with them.
COLLEAGUES REACT NEGATIVELY TO YOU, OFTEN
If you find your colleagues are frequently needing to talk you down from interactions, or are often confused or frustrated with your responses, that is a signal you need to sit down with yourself.
While it may not feel like it in the moment, the fact that they’re bringing it to your attention is a good thing. A mirror you can’t look away from. It’s better to address it instead of having folks label you in ways that you don’t want, or don’t intend to be. You don’t need these folks to be your work family if that’s not your thing, but, you DO want your colleagues to feel like they can at least work with you.
It’s pretty hard to get to know someone if you’re constantly tossing your stuff on them. If you’re comparing your current colleagues to people or experiences that aren’t there anymore, and that they played no part in.
From your colleagues’ perspective, YOU may not be a psychologically safe space. Constantly heaping baggage on others who don’t deserve it will do that.
The result? Enter: isolation from colleagues or unnecessary confrontations with them as they try and establish boundaries, with you, for their own workplace survival.
And that’s what it comes down to, folks. It might not be your fault you’ve got baggage, but making your problems other people's problems isn’t the solution.
MOVING FORWARD
We all will always have baggage, no matter what. The goal isn’t to entirely ameliorate it; that would be unrealistic (although nice to be able to do).
The goal is to understand that you have it, what it is, what it looks like, how it comes out - and most importantly - how and why you’ll manage it. Here are a few methods to get you started.
BE ACCOUNTABLE TO YOURSELF
What do you need to identify and process what you carry? Is it coaching? Do you need counseling? Do you need to have a conversation with your manager/supervisor?
Here’s where my favorite phrase comes into play: personal accountability. To have any hope of being aware of and managing what you carry, you need to be accountable to yourself make the decision of trying to go through the discovery process.
No one will do this for you if not you.
IDENTIFY WHAT YOU CARRY
It’s hard to know how to manage something if you don’t know what you need to manage. Feedback from others can be helpful, but if you don’t know the source of what they’re referring to, you’ve kind of caught in limbo.
As and when things come up, try to develop the practice of thinking about why you feel that way and where that may have come from.
Is it what’s happening right in front of you?
Does it “remind you” of a previous experience or person?
Did this conversation hit on a trigger point?
USE TOOLS TO MANAGE IT
Let me say it again. It's not your fault that you carry baggage, but it is your responsibility to be aware of it and manage it.
Just because you're struggling with something doesn't mean you can punish others for it, especially when they weren't there when those things happened. There is a responsibility to do what you need to do to manage it.
Not only that, you’ll need to let others know what's going on with you so they know it's not about them.
There are plenty of ways to try to identify your baggage, how it may come up at work, and ways for you to manage it. Whether it’s going to see a clinical therapist, a coach of some type, or good old-fashioned personal development reading - there are plenty of resources out there to take advantage of.
And, before you start with any of that, make sure you take a deep dive into Emotional Intelligence (EQ). When it comes to becoming aware of your stuff, and managing it at work, developing higher EQ can really help too.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AS A TOOL
Emotional intelligence is the ability to deal with your emotions and those of the people around you. There are four simple tools that pack powerful punches. These tools can help you manage yourself and therefore your relationships at work.
1. SELF-AWARENESS
Understanding where your emotions come from is critical. Don't be afraid of getting professional help to help you deal with this.
We all need some extra support sometimes.
Working on awareness of self will also translate into awareness of how you contribute to relationships at work. If you understand why you feel angry, you’re less likely to lash out at someone who doesn’t deserve it.
2. SELF-MANAGEMENT
Not just about self-control (though that's a part of it) but also about expressing those emotions appropriately and being mindful of how your emotions influence your behaviors.
Written an angry email? Let it sit in drafts for a few hours and then re-read it. Filled with overwhelming thoughts? Go for a run after work to help you process things.
3. SOCIAL AWARENESS
Discovering how you can contribute to your work environment and play a part in your team. And, if you are accurately picking up on the emotional experiences of others, and can understand their point of view. This is incredibly key in knowing how others experience you.
4. RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT
Dealing with conflict, leadership responsibilities, and teamwork effectively: Do you manage relationships and interactions reasonably well? How do you deal with conflict? Do you work well together?
If these areas are a struggle for you, there is plenty of information out there to nerd out on when it comes to developing better emotional intelligence skills, and plenty of change facilitators to help you do it if you need support in that process.
HOW CAN A MANAGER HELP?
If you're a manager, this is where relationship management is essential when it comes to dealing with the “stuff” that folks carry on your team.
IDENTIFYING THE SIGNS THAT YOUR TEAM MEMBERS MAY BE CARRYING THEIR OLD ‘STUFF’
As a leader, how you communicate with your team members, how much support you provide, and how open you are about issues determine the “rules”, permissions, and culture that’s created on your team.
Get to know the baseline of your team members. Once you understand their baseline, then you can more easily identify signs of baggage or “stuff” that’s going on and when it comes up:
Triggers: Certain situations may result in a particular employee reacting, in the same way, each time.
Communication or behavior changes: If employees change how they usually communicate or behave, past trauma or experiences may be behind that change.
SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND
Do not assume the reason why someone is behaving the way they are. Take that behavior sign as an opportunity to understand the cause, and what that person may want to be aware of/do differently going forward. Take this opportunity to decide how you want to approach this situation, with intention.
DON'T schedule this meeting as part of an annual review. Bringing it up here will just make your team member feel like their job is on the line, not that you’re trying to understand a situation and help them work through it. (2)
DO approach the conversation from a place of care. Especially if your employee has had previous negative experiences at work, it should be clear you're not just being nosey. (3)
ASKING HOW YOU CAN BE HELPFUL
In any conversation, remember that you could be dealing with complex stuff that’s pre-dated your relationship with this person. Please keep in mind to:
Respect confidentiality. Do not turn this into office gossip. If your team member is willing to open up to you about this stuff, don’t make them regret it by talking to other leaders like you’re spilling the tea. (4)
Respect boundaries. If someone doesn't want to share, emphasize that they don’t have to. (5)
Recognize courage. It's harrowing raking through a traumatic experience, highlight that you appreciate them being willing to talk about it. (6)
Ask. Find out from your employee what you can do to support them as they go through managing their baggage. Also, make sure that they are accountable to themselves for the process. (7)
It's also important to recognize where your responsibility stops as a manager. You can suggest that this person use self-help resources in this process, but it’s not up to you to solve their issues for them or force them to manage it.
Take off that hero cape, and remember that this person is also a chronologically aged adult and you would be doing them a disservice by trying to manage their stuff for them.
Though you can help to foster an environment that has supportive relationships at work, it's up to the people you manage to take that help for themselves.
DOES BAGGAGE EVER GO AWAY?
We will all always have baggage that we carry with us everywhere. That's literally why it's called baggage!
While the baggage stays with us, we can learn healthier ways to “carry it”, to manage the weight, and resist the urge to throw it around on bad days. You CAN have better relationships at work if you take responsibility for working through your past.
Remember, it’s okay to feel the weight of those past experiences. They aren’t your fault.
But it takes work to be more aware of yourself and your relationships at work. You may need external support, whether you’re learning how to manage conflict or working through your self-doubt. It’s tough to learn how to manage your emotions, to work through the past.
Yes, it takes time, effort, and sometimes some tears. Despite these difficulties, it’s worth the time investment, and it’s achievable. After carrying it all around, maybe it’s time to lighten the load?
Are you ready to help your team learn how to cope with escalating work stress due to workflow demands? Reach out to Melissa to learn more.
