5 Tips for Talking to Your Boss or HR About Your Mental Health at Work.
Not to be too cavalier about it, but from what I’ve seen in my fieldwork, unfortunately, many people would rather acknowledge a foot fungal infection than a mental health condition or general mental health struggles.
Asking them to talk about mental health at work to a boss or HR? I usually get something to the effect of “HARD pass, no thanks.”
I get it - I do.
People are worried they'll be labeled (and I absolutely HATE that I have to reference this) the “Office Crazy” and a whole lot of other nasty potential outcomes (unfortunately based on historical occurrences and conditioning) like being shamed, judged, passed over for promotion, or even risking losing your job.
You have every reason to feel that way because a broken narrative since 6500 B.C. has conditioned people to treat others that way when they display behaviors they don’t understand or seem “different”.
The reason I’m suggesting these conversations at work is simply this: the narrative surrounding speaking up when you need support about mental health at work NEEDS to be seen in a healthy light. It needs to be seen as the emotionally intelligent and responsible thing to do.
This chain reaction needs to be seen not only as a healthy thing to do, but an encouraged thing to do, in the workplace. And it’s my hope of all hopes that this chain reaction is highly normalized as the World of Work evolves into something resembling:
Step 1: I’m not feeling good.
Step 2: Maybe I should ask for help.
Step 3: Ask for help, get support and acknowledgment for reaching out, and get information about resources.
Step 4: Engage with the resources and do the work.
Step 5: Use the resources whenever they’re needed to manage any ongoing mental health challenges.
The thing is, one person's efforts to share their story can help shift the narrative – and inspire others to do the same. (1)
ONE SMALL STEP
It's a challenge, but you could inspire someone else to tell their story, or even better, to address their mental health concerns.
Did you know that 80% of people will have issues with mental health at some point in their lives? I also know it’s easier said than done, but please don't always assume that people will respond negatively. I remember when I was conducting interviews for my book and I was so inspired by one of my interviewees (I called her E) about how to look at this process in a different way:
❝
“You’d be surprised how many people do understand when you share your story. There’s nothing wrong with telling your boss you have bad anxiety, and you need time and space to deal with it.
— E, a Caucasian female working in the tourism industry, interviewed for Yes, You Can Talk
About Mental Health at Work (Here's Why and How To Do It Really Well) (2)
And remember, this is a guide. You'll need to take the advice you see here and make it work in your own environment. Only you can make the decision to share your mental health challenges.
If you're stressed, tired, or overwhelmed, nobody will make you share if you don't want to. And, no one will know that you need help if you don’t pipe up.
Ready to learn some easy tips to have that talk at work? Let’s do this.
TIP 1: FIRST, REFLECT
Take a moment to reflect on your own opinions and experiences about mental health. It's important to understand why you're going through the process of talking to your company about mental health. And, why you want to do it in the first place.
Here are some questions you can (and should) ask yourself before you jump in:
How do you describe yourself when it comes to your mental health or if you have a mental illness? (3)
Does your belief system allow you to feel like you can talk about this with other people? (4)
Have you had misunderstandings with people at work about mental health or mental illness who have a different background than you? How did you both react at that moment? (5)
Don't worry if the answers don't come easily. That's OK! Sit with them until you understand your stance, because this is a crucial step that shouldn’t be skipped.
TIP 2: NEXT, DO YOUR BACK-END PREP
As the Lion King taught us, be prepared.
You are not sharing for the sake of sharing. There are specific goals that you should have when talking about your health at work.
Once you've reflected on what you feel about your mental health, consider the following:
What am I sharing and why?
Who am I sharing this information with? Is this the right person for what I need?
What do I want out of the conversation? This is the most practical part -- the outcomes of the conversation
What am I prepared to do after this conversation?
Have I been “dropping hints” for too long and expecting my manager to take the initiative to have the talk? Dropping hints or cues just isn’t enough to get your boss to come and talk to you about your mental health. Remember, we are all bombarded by emails, messages, and other requests all day long. You have to be the one to use your words and create space by reaching out first. It can be as easy as saying: “I know you’re really busy at the moment, but I need to have a quick catch-up with you. Do you have 30 minutes later today to chat?” (7)
There are a lot of questions you could ask yourself, but these are some of the core ones to include. But take it from me, the more prepared you are to answer these questions, the better it'll go for you.
TIP 3: BE CLEAR IN THE MOMENT
Once you've decided that you want to take the conversational plunge, reflected on where you're coming from, and done your back-end prep, it's time to work on your message.
Plan what you'll say, and then write it down. This is not a conversation where you think, "I'll wing it - it'll be fine!" Let’s just skip that potential minefield, shall we?
To make it constructive and useful, you have the responsibility as the sharer in that conversation to be ready to educate and inform whom you're talking to.
Take action and start the conversation. Set up a meeting. Managers and HR can't read minds, and hints don't work, and you shouldn’t expect them to. They're people with personal lives and work stuff too and they can’t pay attention to everything all the time. (8)
At the start of that meeting, share any concerns about bringing up mental health at work such as labeling, shaming, or other retaliation. (9)
Bring up confidentiality. It might not seem like a big deal, but it'll bring home how serious the conversation is to you and will help you if things go wrong.
Share only what’s needed. People don't need every single detail of the backstory. Talk about the difficult time you're having NOW and what you need to address it. (10)
Understand what your manager or HR rep can and cannot do for you (versus when you need to use other resources). Remember, these people can be supportive and get you access to resources, but they are not your therapists and aren’t responsible for treating you or fixing what's going on. (11)
TIP 4: IF SOMEONE RESPONDS IN A WAY YOU DIDN’T ANTICIPATE, DON'T PANIC
So you scrape up the courage to have the conversation. But then, the response is rude, dismissive, or just plain old deer-in-headlights.
Eek.
It's ok. It's a process, and it can sometimes be unpleasant or go in a way you didn't plan for. Not all is lost.
Of course, you could verbally skewer that person or condense yourself down into the size of an atom to hide, but don’t go that route.
Be present in the moment and focus on your toolkit of how you can constructively respond (especially if this response feels triggering similar to a past event when sharing about mental health maybe didn’t go so well):
If you're met with a rude or dismissive response, remember that people have their own crap going on, which is probably their own thing. Not you. So gently ask about where the response is coming from. (12)
The deer-in-headlights thing is probably because they don't know what to do. Check in with them and repeat your desired outcomes. (13)
Sometimes, in these conversations, you get, "Be positive!" Breathe! They're probably trying to help. Take a breath and let them know that isn't helpful. Point out that you need X and that you're allowed to feel the way that you do. (14)
People are generally well-meaning but don't know what to say. It's a teachable moment -- so be prepared to educate.
TIP 5: KNOW YOUR RIGHTS
Sometimes the conversation doesn't have the outcome you want, and you may feel that your workplace is non-responsive, or even hostile. If you try to mitigate it in the moment, and even that doesn't work, remember: you have rights.
1. Check your company policy or employee handbook. It may be that policies already exist for accommodating you.
2. If you have a mental illness that's deemed as a disability by the ADA and you go through the qualification process, your employer may be required to make reasonable medically-necessary accommodations for you.
3. Reevaluate whether or not this is the kind of company you want to work for if this conversation turns hostile.
If the situation is serious and warrants legal action, you may want to employ an employment attorney. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission is there to inform, advise and even take action on your behalf.
WRAPPING UP
When it comes to talking about your mental health at work, personal accountability matters. While you may not be able to control or influence everything occurring in the workplace culture around you, you still have the responsibility to equip yourself with the tools and information required so you can self-advocate for your mental health at work.
I know it can be scary to actually go through with, but avoiding these kinds of conversations is not a sustainable strategy long term.
Remember: only you know what you’re going through and only you can be your best advocate. Speak up for yourself and get the support you need and deserve.
Want to know more? Read Melissa's book, then get in touch here.
Sources
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14: Doman, Melissa. Yes, You Can Talk about Mental Health at Work: Here's Why ... and How to Do It Really Well. Welbeck Publishing Group, 2021.
