How to Talk to a Colleague Who Won't Manage Their Mental Health at Work.
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Let me get this out of the way immediately: there will always be people who have no interest in talking about their mental health struggles or how they're potentially impacting others around them. And just because you want to talk to them about it doesn't mean they have to talk to you.
You know that old saying, 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink?' That's one of those sayings that's literally true. And in some cases, the horse may try to kick you in the face for coming near it.
This brief article isn't a “solve” for every one of those difficult scenarios. But it will explore why people may resist managing their mental health and a few ways to approach a conversation with a colleague who may or may not be on board with taking action to help themselves.
WHY DO PEOPLE HESITATE OR RESIST MANAGING THEIR MENTAL HEALTH?
Let's do a quick recap on the context of this conversation in the workplace. People shy away from talking about their mental health struggles for several reasons, especially in the workplace. This can range from not feeling psychologically safe to talk about it in the workplace, to lack of insight, to plain-old stubbornness, or even conditioning around gender, culture, or how their family raised them to view or talk (or not talk) about mental health - period.
However, it's essential to understand that there is a difference between being afraid to talk about mental health versus not being willing to take action to manage it.
While each person's experience is unique, here are a few common reasons people refuse to manage their mental health:
1) Having a lack of personal responsibility, or Emotional Intelligence
On the road to relief, management (or whichever word you feel best describes addressing mental health), it's essential to understand the affected individual's role.
No amount of support and resources will help unless the individual decides to come to the party.
For some, their past may influence their unwillingness to take responsibility and hold themselves accountable. For others, it's a case of potentially an inability to recognize and tap into that part of their Emotional Intelligence.
Change is hard, and for folks who historically avoid taking responsibility, leaning into change and doing the work required for that usually isn’t at the top of their list.
2) Not understanding the importance of mental health
The common misconception is that mental health is not as crucial as physical health. It comes from years and years of stigma around mental health. And this, unfortunately, causes it to fall to the bottom of everyone's to-do list.
3) Complacency about their challenges
Sometimes, people feel that naming or acknowledging a mental health struggle or condition is enough. Yes, acknowledging a mental health concern is a vital step to management, but so is following through with getting help or doing the work.
4) Denying there’s a problem
Denial is a common roadblock to managing mental health. According to Motivational Interviewing, which uses the aspects of the change model to determine where people are in the change process.
Known as the “pre-contemplation stage”, the individual may be experiencing some adverse consequences of their situation, and have to view it as a “problem”.
But when someone refuses to take care of their mental health, which may be negatively impacting others around them, it's important to inform them of the consequences of their actions — not just in their life, but in the working lives (and professional output) of those around them.
5) Admitting they're struggling means “something is wrong with them”
There is A LOT to unpack here, but for the sake of article brevity, it comes down to this: to admit we're struggling with our mental health can be a really scary thing for some people. It could “mean” that they are “different”, “weird”, “can't hack it”, or other forms of destructive messaging they've been fed from a variety of sources their whole life. And why they have to at least show that they're “keeping it together” so no one can see through the cracks - even if that means denying how it may be impacting others around them. But that's where we need to draw the line folks, because when someone refuses to take care of their mental health, and it's negatively impacting others around them, it's important to inform them of the consequences of their actions — not just in their life, but in their working lives (and professional output) of those around them.
HOW TO HELP
CONSIDER YOUR MINDSET AND INTENDED OUTCOMES FIRST
Remember: diagnosing someone is not your job. Nor is it your duty to counsel them or give clinical treatment. And especially in the workplace, any indication that you're trying to pathologize someone (especially with clinical wording) is a great way to be accused of harassment. There is a difference between sharing observations of someone's behavior in a generalized way versus coming at them with lay-person knowledge of the DSM-5.
As their colleague, you're there as a part of their support network. And all you can do is make that person feel heard, seen, and supported - while drawing boundaries as necessary if you've been the recipient of the ricochet effects of their struggles. Boundaries are important too. You can’t be anyone’s complaint receptacle, while they refuse to do anything to help themselves.
Understand that you can only make suggestions to guide them on this journey; the rest is up to them. Encouraging them to have personal accountability is critical. A person has to be willing to see and take responsibility for how their mental health affects their life, and potentially those around them. And recognize that the main benefit is for them. The folks noticing those changes around them is just a bonus.
IF THEY’RE WILLING TO TALK, ENCOURAGE THEM TO FIND WHAT WORKS FOR THEM
If your colleague is willing to let their proverbial walls down and have this conversation with you - that is great! What ultimately matters is talking about what's going on, why they haven't taken action, and encouraging the to do what's ultimately right for them to address their own struggles. In those moments, here are some things to consider:
Use a genuine tone and intentional wording.
Tell them what you have observed about their actions and behavior, making sure to emphasize that these are your observations and not facts.
Use open-ended questions.
Explain why you are concerned about them and that you are there to support them.
Ask them whether they need advice or whether they just want you to listen. If they want to be left alone, then give them the space and time to mull over your concerns and revisit the conversation a little later.
Ask the right questions and be mindful of your tone and body language You want them to feel safe in your presence and willing to open up and have this really difficult conversation.
Nudge them in the right direction by doing the legwork. When facing a mental health challenge, seeking assistance can seem overwhelming. Finding helpful websites, or even therapist recommendations may inspire them to take that first step.
IF THEY SAY “NO THANK YOU”, THEN WHAT?
At some point in our lives, we will all come across someone who may not be open to receiving feedback (if at all), especially around mental health.
If your colleague is struggling with their mental health, and is not only refusing to address it, but their behavior continues to impact you and others around you - all you can control is this:
Explicitly explain that you're trying to help
Tell them what you have objectively observed or experienced from their behavior and why it’s concerning to you.
Seek to understand why they won't take action to manage it
And if they're still not willing to address it, explain why their behavior is negatively impacting you, and what your boundaries are going forward to not receive that behavior (i.e. if they're being continuously reactive toward you or treating you like a complaint receptacle). Just because they're struggling, and even if they don't want to do anything about it, doesn't mean they get to treat you that way continuously.
This could sound something like, "I've explained why I'm concerned about how you're doing, and it's up to you whether or not you want to do something about it. But, as someone who works with you frequently, it's not fair to me when you yell at me over small disagreements on projects and complain to me every morning about how upset you're feeling. So if you're not going to do something to take care of yourself, I'm at least requesting that you don't take it out on me anymore."
CONCLUSION
Talking to a colleague who struggles with taking responsibility to manage their mental health can be difficult, but not impossible. A little bit of encouragement, some honesty, and even boundary-setting can go a long way - in ways you may not expect.
Check out Melissa's book for more on how to talk about mental health in the workplace.
Contact Melissa to book a training session for more personalized assistance in creating a work culture where talking about mental health is encouraged.
Sources:
1: Doman, Melissa. Yes, You Can Talk about Mental Health at Work: Here's Why ... and How to Do It Really Well. Welbeck Publishing Group, 2021.
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